Being in the right place

I moved from Milwaukee to Fort Lauderdale in 2007 because I had planned for 6 months to put myself in a better position. I wanted to be able to go after the life I thought I needed, wanted and was meant for me. I wanted to be more independent than I had been and I also wanted to create distance between where I saw myself going.

When I finally arrived there I thought nothing could be better. I loved my surroundings, living situation was good, I found a job within a month and knew I would soon apply for Masters programs to attend that Spring.

My life seemed to be going great, those first couple months. I didn't get homesick and I didn't really miss anyone that much. I was happy and free. I did have family nearby so they filled a big void I believe I would have had if they were not around. I soon gained a couple of close acquaintances, almost good friends. Then I went home to visit and I soon learned the only things that changed while I was gone ( I talked to my parents multiple times everyday, I did when I lived in Milwaukee and I do still), were peoples acceptance towards others, judgements they made on me leaving, and how old they were. So it made 3 things happen for me. 1- I don't ever wanna live there again ; 2- I need to prove how awesome I am & 3- I do miss my real at home friends! Them bitches know me best and I love and miss the Hell out of the way we interact.
I met great people which have since become great friends. They will never replace the friends I may have drifted from in transition or the memories I made growing up with them, but they still hold special places in framing who I've become. That I will never forget. They were there for me in a time I felt so alone, shared moments and experiences.

While living in Florida I thought I could fulfill many of my dreams there. I could see myself with a great career, nice house/condo, taking trips wherever and whenever and always having the warmth and ocean nearby. Sounds great, right? It was blissful. Yes I had some down moments but they made me want happiness that much more. In all that bliss I still felt, missing. I was lonely and bored, waiting for all these dreams to come true. I realized I'd sacrificed so much and still felt stuck in no where. People around me hadn't sacrificed a thing. They made more money, had more family time and were happy.

Then one day a simple conversation about a football game turned into a great conversation that spanned over days. From texts, emails, instant messenger combos, phone calls and even Skype. I met my match. The person that conversation didn't die. We had the smallest and weirdest of things in common. Our biggest downfall?  He lived in Chicago,  I was in Ft.Lauderdale. I never had a day feeling lonely since that conversation changed. A few short months after nonstop communication, seeing each other in person, we decided to move in together. The question was where? Although I loved Florida I never wanted homie to go through the mixed feelings I did leaving all I knew. So we decided it'd be best to move to suburban Chicago. Other factors applied as well.

My dreams started changing a little before that convo. I started wanting more in life. So when I started to change my dreams and the convo started it all fit. He fit. It all made sense to me. I love this man more than ever and different than I've ever loved someone anyone. I thought kids for me would only be nieces and nephews forever. With him I want to create little ones of our own. I want my mini me to look at him with the same eyes and say "Papi, I fell,  make it better" and me say " I'm telling your father! ". I want to introduce him at my work Holiday party as my husband. I want wedding pictures on my desk and walls.

Do I think this would have happened if I never left Milwaukee? Probably. We were meant to be with each other. He is my everything. My other half. I'm in the right place, at the right time. As time goes on, I know that my right time and place is right where I am , as long as he is right next to me.

I love you Kareen.

Remembering

I am intelligent, beautiful, respectful, respected, intelligent and I can with stand anything. I am strong, full of confidence, able to take on the world. No one can take away my strength, perseverance, stride or my right to grow. I am ME. No one is better. I am not who I was yesterday, last year, 5 yrs ago, or even 15 yrs ago. I have taken control of my life. I make the decisions. I take the risks that determine who I will be tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will be strong, confident, fearless, resilient, trustworthy,  respectful and ready. I will one day be a wife, a mother and a grandmother. I will always be a daughter, sister, niece, aunt and Godmother. My education can not be stolen from me, belittled or made inadequate. I will get there one day. I will be heard. I will be healed, I will remain me, through changes and my feet planted firmly on the ground.

I will not let your existence take away all I was, Am now or all I will be. I am strong. I am me.

insight

"Sometimes in life, things will not go your way. You may feel like it will never get better, it as I am now, just in a bad place. Things may feel as though they are falling apart and I know they will get better, but I'm wondering how much worse they will get first. I'm trying to think and stay positive, but that has become so hard. Like everyone else I want the hardship to stop NOW! I want to feel better inside and out. I want to want to have the bad things fixed and I want to stay strong through it all. But right now, I'm tired and sad. Life will get better. I will try to stop worrying and look for a solution. Feeling scattered and bored, being out of control is rough for me. "

This was my thinking end of September when things seemed so out of reach and hectic in my mind. Now I'm much better in mind and body...

B*tches Ain't Sh*t

Now let's get something straight when I say "Bitches" I do not mean females, I include the male species into it all. They can and do definitely act like bitches sometimes too, so I will try to keep most of these examples Gender neutral. So here is a list of 10 examples of the people I believe are bitches and how they ain't shit.

1. Other people's business (i.e. Let me tell you about...) - So they always want to tell about someone else's business and it's never first hand, it's always passed from some where else they heard it, their assumptions and/or make believe to just being listened to.

2. They never do wrong (i.e. I would never do...) - Always better than you, they will always say how they will never do anything trifling or scandalous, all the while thinking in their head how they just finished doing something  that meets both. which leads me to the next point.

3. Contradiction (i.e. You shouldn't but I did) - While they judge you cause they can't do any wrong, when you bring something interesting to their attention that they may not have done before, they will. They will do it after they told you how wrong it was.Or they will tell how stupid you are for taking back your significant other or being someones side piece, because they already did it and don't do it anymore or just haven't in a while.

4. Running that mouth (i.e. you ain't gonna) - run their mouth about what you or anyone else ain't gonna do to them, but the moment the time arises they be quiet. lol

5. Never see the other side (i.e. But what I'm saying is...) - you can try to keep a bitch as a friend but when you are trying to speak to them about life or even their life and you have a disagreement, they will keep doing #2, 3 & 4 all while saying "but what I'm saying is..." cause they will not see what you're trying to advise them on.

6. Even educated hoes are ignorant, maybe worse (i.e. I'm educated Boo Boo) - they will utilize some of the verbal communication skills they feel they have learned and do bitch things while thinking because they got a degree in something (more likely something meaningless), they can argue about any and everything you disagree with them on.

7. Not all Bitches are women (as I stated earlier) - some men make the worst Bitches. They think because they have a dick and balls they ain't being bitches, some of their friends will call them haters or whatever else. Yeah no, they are bitches too.

8. OPP (i.e. S/He wasn't happy) - They will seek out other people's belongings or get involved with someone they know is with someone else and they have no intention of leaving them. They will tell their friends how it isn't wrong because "obviously they aren't being kept happy at home". My usual response is "and you think they are happy now with you, even though they ain't leaving the person they are with" or "so you think if they leave they will be happy with you?"

9. Excuses (i.e. I did it because) - They will have so many excuses for everything they do because of #2,5, 6, 8 and soon you'll see 10. it's their only way to sleep at night, they think they have justified all the bitch shit they do.

10. Entitled (i.e. I deserve it all ) - Sometime in their life no one told them No, instead it was "oh you're so pretty, of course" or "such a strong boy, here you are". Not that there is anything wrong with giving confidence to young children but some of them turn it into being more than spoiled, they feel entitled and become bitches.

If you notice these qualities in yourself take a step back, no excuses and think of how you look and sound to your friends when you act like this. NOW STOP!!! We all have bitch moments. Some of us realize the ways and choose to stop. Others notice the ways and figure it is their normal life and they only want to live that way, those are the Bitches to stay away from.

Did I miss any?

Random ish...

Trying to get back in my flow again of blogging on a normal basis. I have some time now and again at my current job that I can write down ideas and have random thoughts brought to the blog world. I missed this , I tell ya, it is therapy for the OCD and over active brains. So allow me to share with you some randomness...

* I got a new job, so far I'm enjoying it.

* Interviewed for a great position, haven't lost total hope, but I'm not thirsty just yet.

* I miss the beach, not a beach, but my favorite one "Commercial Beach" in Lauderdale by the Sea.

*I think some people need to evaluate their lives closely. Can't wait for change if you are doing nothing to change.

*Excited that GOD does make miracles when you truly believe.

* Can't wait for my Canito Lindo to come home!!!

*I have achieved a lot in 31 years. I've tried my best to assist others, I'm still hungry for more in myself.

* I will never allow myself to get back to where I was in the past, That shit hurt my head and confidence. "Bitch Please, Bayby Bye" (that's just for you)

* I have real friends and I miss them. fuck these sideline hoes, joking but nah fo' reals. I miss my true blue, ride or die, clutch homies. LOL

* I got my desk moved at work and even though being in GP is nice, I get to utilize my people skills and all, I prefer the corner I was in before.

*I like meeting new people, but there is something about cubicle friendships and call center dramas that makes me not want new friends. Bad , I know.

* I guess I really got used to being alone and doing my own thing in Florida that transition is difficult.

* For 3 years, I did school and me. Learned to work with dead people and evidence. Real convosare hard when you don't care. lol, am I an asshole?

* I did meet and like the people I trained with that we learned together bond is priceless.

* I am thinking more about Counseling, teaching, advising and forensic investigations lately. I miss actually helping people as opposssed to just providing info.

* I'm gonna miss my big brother and my little munchkins when they move to Houston!

* I love this man sitting next to me at home right now.

and that was the randomness I came up with last week at work....

Before I go to sleep...

Before I lay it down I wanted to take some time to Thank two people who mean the world to me. My Parents, who took a staycation for their birthdays the 22nd and 24th of this month. I love them so much!!! I love to see them happy.

Thanks for making me. Your child.

Do You Know ??

So I am moving all my thoughts directly to my managed Google account. lol... it's where I'm at all day so I mind as well stop logging in and typing at that other page... http://PRicanQT.blogspot.com yup I just added Nikki after my longtime name and here we are! So Here is my first blog I've written in quite sometime.


Do you know where you're going to? Do you know the things that life is showing you? Do you know????Great Song but let's reflect on ourselves. Do you know where you're going? I'll give you a couple minutes.Have you started a game plan for your life? Not everything planned to specifics, but a general plan of where you want life, love and finances to be in 5, 10 and 20 years? You can't be a chill , let life come and deal day by day person forever! Especially when your decisions involve other people, most importantly little people who depend on/look up to you. It's time to be responsible, no one got you here without your approval, REMEMBER THAT! Start thinking about your life plan, what it takes to at least get close to achieve it. No one can stop you, sure barriers can be placed, but those can be crossed over with determination or by asking for help.

Now, Do you know what life is showing you? Do things always seems to work out for you? If so, think about some of them, what did you do previously to get the opportunity? I guarantee the goodness came from something you did, not anyone else. If not, again reflect on you! Everything achieved is a direct look at what you've done. (Dictionary.com definition of Achieve: to get or attain by effort; gain; obtain.) Also, look at the people surrounding you, that what most, not all, but most of the world thinks of you. Bring positivity, encouragement, hope and loyalty amongst your peers and they will bring it around you. NO need to be Positive Paula, Happy Helen or Smiling Sue all day/everyday. We all have bad days, weeks and even months. There is just no need to tell everyone all the time that you're down. Keep it to yourself those days or find good ears you can vent to every now and again, but again not all the time. No need to bring everyone down or have people thinking your life is miserable. 

If people, places or goals are being put in your life, PAY ATTENTION!, life is sending you a message. Figure out why that happened, everything does happen for a reason. Because you made a plan and here is help. So I know you may be thinking, "really Nikki?, life brought me this hardship?, For What?, to make me suffer?, I did this to myself? My answer is yes. Sometimes you need to feel the struggle, suffer a bit in order to find out how YOU can make it better. So when it passes it is a lesson learned. Gain confidence or knowledge on how to not to let that same struggle enter your life again. Better yet , you will notice it in time to figure your way out without too much suffering. So think of the negative, think of how it was handled, how you came out and what you've done to reassure it will not happen again. 

So there you are, Thanks Diana for getting a song stuck in my head that makes me view life a little different... 

Do you know... by Diana Ross