Waiting...

So as you may know, my baby girl was due February 5,2014. Today is February 10. Anywho, Savannah is still in my tummy! Having contractions but not close enough to go in to hospital. Got an inducement date of February 11 but hoping she comes, now!!! 

I have been a lucky person, see most of my pregnancy has been smooth sailing. That is until I hit 35 weeks and I fell outside my parents house, onto my stomach over the ice! The day of my baby shower!!! We left to hospital, they kept me 24hrs and I missed my shower I had been looking so forward to. I opened everything at my Mami's house the next day and people love us so much! We got a bunch of great stuff. So I want to thank everyone for everything they have done! 

Waiting for mini munchkin has been hard. Every time a pain hits, it is always "is this it? Should we go? It's been 3 minutes? They've lasted almost an hour?" Then poof no more pain, a little discomfort but no pain. I start thinking of what could get done before we go, last minute things to take care of. Then this morning at 315am I had a horrible nightmare and 2 hours later, I'm wide awake! WTF!!! I've sent out 3 important work emails and began looking up stuff online that came to me as good ideas. Kareen is sleeping better than Savannah in my tummy right now! But he will be up and ready to start the day soon and I will be exhausted! I have one day left where it's just us for sure! Unless my mini comes today!? Funny thing is I just glanced over and realized we still don't have the car seat in the car and our hospital bag isn't packed! So I'm going to let you go while I think, not do, but think and make a list of what to put in hospital bag, email it to myself and Kareen and figure out how to fall back asleep! 

Ugh I can't wait to see he little face and tell her how much I love her!!!!

A Year Has Passed...Now What?

I can't believe it has been a year since the last time I took time to write. A lot has been going on since the last blog of sadness and despair. I'm hoping this blog isn't as sad. SO a year ago today, I received the disturbing news that my beautiful younger cousin Ani was murdered by her husband. This was beyond devastating news. Although God called our Angel home a littler sooner than we wanted she will forever be missed and cherished for the times we spent. I miss her pretty smile and her wonderful words. Especially when all days of this last year went by and I just wish she could hug me now.

Before my cousin passed, there has already been many hard things for me to face in January's of the past and January 2013 was no different. It began with death and it ended in death last year. But I made a couple decisions of my life last January. I knew for so long I had been wasting away at a Job that was just that, a job. I needed a position closer to my field and closer to my heart. When I learned that Ani was a victim of domestic abuse in the worse way, I decided I needed to be a part of something to help women. With 2 Masters Degrees in Criminal Justice and still not able to work in my field due to lack of experience, I knew this had to change. So I told myself and those closest to me that I would seek a volunteer opportunity or apply for a entry level position, no matter the compensation into something in my field. I started looking at Women's organizations, Domestic Violence Groups, Rape and Sexual Assault Groups and Drug Abatement Programs. I began to send out emails and correspond with individuals asking how to get involved. This went on for a couple of months. I thought I would never get a chance to gain experience or even volunteer! It was rough , but then in May life began to change.

Someone sent me an email to apply for a job at a Women's Rehabilitation and Treatment Residential Facility. This was a place I had previously applied to over a year ago. So I figured, WHY NOT? I sent my info and left it to God. On June 1st, well early morning of the 2nd I received the greatest news God has ever delivered to me... it was sent via a test, I was Pregnant. Yup me, the girl who had resolved in my head I would never have children. Yes I had changed my mind when I met the man who changed my world in 2011, but we were so excited! We were pregnant and life had instantly changed. I knew that goodness was to follow.

We had received some bad news but I received some news from the above mentioned employer and they wanted me to come in for a group interview. I went and immediately received a call to accept employment. I put in notice and took a position in July finally at a place where I felt I was needed and mattered. I was a couple weeks into pregnancy and found out I was having a little girl! the pieces fell where God intended. I looked back over the first half of my year and knew that through the tragic event of losing my cousin, I got my life on track to somewhere it mattered. I am a person who believes that everything comes together when it should, no matter how hard and hurtful it may be for us. I would have wished that we wouldn't have to lose loved ones in any way to get on our path of life. But I hope everyday that the changes I have made make her smile. I wish I could have shared with her the last couple of months and heard her motherly advice or to have her come rub my tummy. I like to think that the women I have had the pleasure of working with through treatment , I have touched and changed their lives just a little. They do tell me that I have, I get emails and letters of appreciation and that fills my heart.

I am now 9 days away or less, from my Babygirl Savannah entering this world and I keep thinking of all the wonderful mother's in my family and among all my friends. I am blessed to have the support of so many people who love me and love her so much already! I have friends who span over this world who have showed up and shown out when it comes to my baby!!! I want to thank them all and let them know that yes in this last year my heart and my mind has changed so much! I have the love of a great man and soon we will be parents. Life may not be the easiest but damn we are doing okay when it comes to it. We will try our hardest to never let her experience some of things we have but we will encourage her to take her own path. I can't wait to show her off, show her pictures of everyone and let her grow into a wonderful Woman.

So just my thoughts today, January 27, 2014... just what I was thinking at the time.

Our Newest Angel : Anita M. "Anita Bee" Burgos-Brooks

The last two weeks have been hard. I found out that my younger cousin Anita " Anita Bee" Burgos-Brooks was murdered by her husband. Immediately I did not believe it to be true. No, not her! She is a Strong Woman & Mother. She is generous, God Fearing, full of life, all smiles, loyal, selfless and always willing to listen. She is so many more things to so many more people, but I would never describe her as a victim. She found answers, she researched, she helped others to not be victims, she gave it all and did so through God with her gorgeous smile. Man, I sure do miss her.

I know she is looking at all of us now and is probably saying "The unthinkable happened, I'm in a great a wonderful place, surrounded by our loved ones. Go ahead and remember me. But don't cry for me without remembering who I was! Do all the things that are there to achieve, that I didn't get to yet. Be a Family and community member, not just be family and live in a community. Make your mark. Create goals and then start fulfilling them. Wear a smile everyday, because God gave you this present for a reason, figure it out."

I'm not sure if those would be her exact words, if she would end it there or how she would help us get there. But I'm sure it would be said. I know this because she said it in her many poems. Most of them can be found on youtube.com channel or on her webpage (both highlighted below).

When Ani was a little girl and would visit her Grandma Leti, her and Nessa would come to my house to hangout. Though they are both 3-5 years younger than I , I always loved having the company. Not having many female cousins would make you accept any age to hang out. Plus they were some of the first people who made me realize I had younger family members looking up to me. You know, I felt important, LOL. I will always remember she had to assert herself and let you know and FEEL how strong she was! Her way of doing so was to figure out her mean look and hit you. Yes that little girl packed a grown man punch! I would tease her and tell her she reminded me of the Chippette Britany (you know Alvin's Girlfriend?). She would laugh and punch me in the arm. I'm sure that meant she didn't agree. I would tease her about the Little boy who looked like TuPAc that she had a crush on (yes I know his real name and that he still ives on the block), my poor arms will probably always have underlying bruise marks from those small fists! We would talk about Boys, Music and growing up. She would always tell me from those summers until now The Luniz song " I got 5 on it" would remind her of me. Funny thing is , it always reminded me of her and Nessa. As the years went by she didn't come around as often, or maybe I wasn't around as often when I became a teenager. I left for college and when I returned I didn't stay around the neighborhood too often. But when I was around and would see Nessa, she would fill me in on little achievements Ani was making.

When I heard she was in school in Arkansas, I was so proud of her! Since I had left to school years prior down South, I knew the excitement, fun and all the friends she would make. When I finally got in touch with her, I made fun our schools playing against each other in football and how The Sonic Boom of The South will always be the baddest Band in the Land (because it is). I congratulated her when she pledged Delta Sigma Theta and also when she said she was married with a baby on the way! I remember her posting all the pictures of her bump and even when she had a fun day and painted her belly. It was like I was sharing her world with her as it unfolded again. We kept in contact from that point on, without missing a beat or a big moment. See Ani and I, both got out of Milwaukee, moved from family, created a path that we knew we needed. We both knew that the path would always lead us to our family to help in some way. The family we grew up with, we loved but Ani knew she needed to love more people. More people needed to meet her and love her! I always joke to people that meeting and knowing me will change their lives, I believe the same for Ani. We kept in touch through every avenue of Social Media; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you name it. When I moved to Chicago and she moved home to Milwaukee, there was just more we could share. I supported her in everything she did, I ordered her book twice, I read her blog when she wrote, I watched her youtube channel and her own website. I loved to see the way she delivered her message to masses, because trust me there is a message in all of it. I always wondered what she would come up with next. I know now it was creating a voice of hope for everyone. She is our encouragement, hope, forgiveness and reminder. Reminder that no matter how tiny, you can touch big things.

Last month I told a couple people closest to me what some of my goals for 2013 were. I wanted to get involved with a Youth organization, Group Home, Counseling Center or assist at a Rape Clinic. I haven't had the chance to inquire to these places with the Mandatory Overtime at work , but that ends today. At the Going Home Ceremony for her on Wednesday, I saw just a small piece of the people who were touched by our Tiny Angel and all the many things would be done in her name. To name a few; Educator's Credit Union in Milwaukee has a fund open to assist with expenses and Lexi through the end of February, Poetry Unplugged Family in Milwaukee will have a fund for Lexi and Ani as well ongoing and the Delta Sigma Theta Sorority at Arkansas- Pine Bluff will start a Scholarship Fund in her name for students.

I have learned how many people have escaped to freedom by way of murder in the last couple months, it is astounding! This is not a Gun Control issue it is a Mental Health Issue. Some people need to seriously consider receiving Psychological or Psychiatric Assistance. Every employer offers an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) plan for free. Every Church has someone you can talk to as well. I would advise you to reach out to family if that is all you need. However sometimes taking advice from family or close friends is not good, because of judgment or ulterior motives. Which is why I suggest seeking unbiased assistance, so you are not lead down a destructive path. Some people think talking to someone who has been through it, is going through it or seems like they will never go through is good to talk to, not always so. Speak to someone who will lift you with strength.

If you read this and know that you are in danger of hurting yourself, someone else or someone may hurt you, I plead that you get assistance. If you are scared to leave a situation because of what may happen, get assistance. Especially if you have children! Man or Woman, you deserve a chance and deserve loving people in your life. If you do not know where to start, let me know. I will help you find someone or some place to get you help. I have told you before, I didn't go to school and learn how to help to sit still and watch you suffer or worse, become a victim.

I'm telling you Ani, I will continue to reach out and try to help all that I can. I will forever miss your smile and listening to your new message. But thank you for leaving me with the encouragement, motivation and hope you did. Love you always my little Chippette. Muah XOXO

And as Promised:

Anita Bee's Newest Website
Ani's Old Blog


Random Tangent (one of my favorite Poems by her)
Black Art: Dedication Poem to Anita Bee


And an Excerpt in her own words:

"So stop making excuses for yourself, figure out what your roadblock(s) is/are and work on eliminating them or work around them. There is no reason to live out your life slowly dying with regret and wondering “what if”; the change you are waiting for is waiting for you!"

Posted from <http://www.poeticjustice7.com/new-Blog.html>

Being in the right place

I moved from Milwaukee to Fort Lauderdale in 2007 because I had planned for 6 months to put myself in a better position. I wanted to be able to go after the life I thought I needed, wanted and was meant for me. I wanted to be more independent than I had been and I also wanted to create distance between where I saw myself going.

When I finally arrived there I thought nothing could be better. I loved my surroundings, living situation was good, I found a job within a month and knew I would soon apply for Masters programs to attend that Spring.

My life seemed to be going great, those first couple months. I didn't get homesick and I didn't really miss anyone that much. I was happy and free. I did have family nearby so they filled a big void I believe I would have had if they were not around. I soon gained a couple of close acquaintances, almost good friends. Then I went home to visit and I soon learned the only things that changed while I was gone ( I talked to my parents multiple times everyday, I did when I lived in Milwaukee and I do still), were peoples acceptance towards others, judgements they made on me leaving, and how old they were. So it made 3 things happen for me. 1- I don't ever wanna live there again ; 2- I need to prove how awesome I am & 3- I do miss my real at home friends! Them bitches know me best and I love and miss the Hell out of the way we interact.
I met great people which have since become great friends. They will never replace the friends I may have drifted from in transition or the memories I made growing up with them, but they still hold special places in framing who I've become. That I will never forget. They were there for me in a time I felt so alone, shared moments and experiences.

While living in Florida I thought I could fulfill many of my dreams there. I could see myself with a great career, nice house/condo, taking trips wherever and whenever and always having the warmth and ocean nearby. Sounds great, right? It was blissful. Yes I had some down moments but they made me want happiness that much more. In all that bliss I still felt, missing. I was lonely and bored, waiting for all these dreams to come true. I realized I'd sacrificed so much and still felt stuck in no where. People around me hadn't sacrificed a thing. They made more money, had more family time and were happy.

Then one day a simple conversation about a football game turned into a great conversation that spanned over days. From texts, emails, instant messenger combos, phone calls and even Skype. I met my match. The person that conversation didn't die. We had the smallest and weirdest of things in common. Our biggest downfall?  He lived in Chicago,  I was in Ft.Lauderdale. I never had a day feeling lonely since that conversation changed. A few short months after nonstop communication, seeing each other in person, we decided to move in together. The question was where? Although I loved Florida I never wanted homie to go through the mixed feelings I did leaving all I knew. So we decided it'd be best to move to suburban Chicago. Other factors applied as well.

My dreams started changing a little before that convo. I started wanting more in life. So when I started to change my dreams and the convo started it all fit. He fit. It all made sense to me. I love this man more than ever and different than I've ever loved someone anyone. I thought kids for me would only be nieces and nephews forever. With him I want to create little ones of our own. I want my mini me to look at him with the same eyes and say "Papi, I fell,  make it better" and me say " I'm telling your father! ". I want to introduce him at my work Holiday party as my husband. I want wedding pictures on my desk and walls.

Do I think this would have happened if I never left Milwaukee? Probably. We were meant to be with each other. He is my everything. My other half. I'm in the right place, at the right time. As time goes on, I know that my right time and place is right where I am , as long as he is right next to me.

I love you Kareen.

Remembering

I am intelligent, beautiful, respectful, respected, intelligent and I can with stand anything. I am strong, full of confidence, able to take on the world. No one can take away my strength, perseverance, stride or my right to grow. I am ME. No one is better. I am not who I was yesterday, last year, 5 yrs ago, or even 15 yrs ago. I have taken control of my life. I make the decisions. I take the risks that determine who I will be tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will be strong, confident, fearless, resilient, trustworthy,  respectful and ready. I will one day be a wife, a mother and a grandmother. I will always be a daughter, sister, niece, aunt and Godmother. My education can not be stolen from me, belittled or made inadequate. I will get there one day. I will be heard. I will be healed, I will remain me, through changes and my feet planted firmly on the ground.

I will not let your existence take away all I was, Am now or all I will be. I am strong. I am me.

insight

"Sometimes in life, things will not go your way. You may feel like it will never get better, it as I am now, just in a bad place. Things may feel as though they are falling apart and I know they will get better, but I'm wondering how much worse they will get first. I'm trying to think and stay positive, but that has become so hard. Like everyone else I want the hardship to stop NOW! I want to feel better inside and out. I want to want to have the bad things fixed and I want to stay strong through it all. But right now, I'm tired and sad. Life will get better. I will try to stop worrying and look for a solution. Feeling scattered and bored, being out of control is rough for me. "

This was my thinking end of September when things seemed so out of reach and hectic in my mind. Now I'm much better in mind and body...

B*tches Ain't Sh*t

Now let's get something straight when I say "Bitches" I do not mean females, I include the male species into it all. They can and do definitely act like bitches sometimes too, so I will try to keep most of these examples Gender neutral. So here is a list of 10 examples of the people I believe are bitches and how they ain't shit.

1. Other people's business (i.e. Let me tell you about...) - So they always want to tell about someone else's business and it's never first hand, it's always passed from some where else they heard it, their assumptions and/or make believe to just being listened to.

2. They never do wrong (i.e. I would never do...) - Always better than you, they will always say how they will never do anything trifling or scandalous, all the while thinking in their head how they just finished doing something  that meets both. which leads me to the next point.

3. Contradiction (i.e. You shouldn't but I did) - While they judge you cause they can't do any wrong, when you bring something interesting to their attention that they may not have done before, they will. They will do it after they told you how wrong it was.Or they will tell how stupid you are for taking back your significant other or being someones side piece, because they already did it and don't do it anymore or just haven't in a while.

4. Running that mouth (i.e. you ain't gonna) - run their mouth about what you or anyone else ain't gonna do to them, but the moment the time arises they be quiet. lol

5. Never see the other side (i.e. But what I'm saying is...) - you can try to keep a bitch as a friend but when you are trying to speak to them about life or even their life and you have a disagreement, they will keep doing #2, 3 & 4 all while saying "but what I'm saying is..." cause they will not see what you're trying to advise them on.

6. Even educated hoes are ignorant, maybe worse (i.e. I'm educated Boo Boo) - they will utilize some of the verbal communication skills they feel they have learned and do bitch things while thinking because they got a degree in something (more likely something meaningless), they can argue about any and everything you disagree with them on.

7. Not all Bitches are women (as I stated earlier) - some men make the worst Bitches. They think because they have a dick and balls they ain't being bitches, some of their friends will call them haters or whatever else. Yeah no, they are bitches too.

8. OPP (i.e. S/He wasn't happy) - They will seek out other people's belongings or get involved with someone they know is with someone else and they have no intention of leaving them. They will tell their friends how it isn't wrong because "obviously they aren't being kept happy at home". My usual response is "and you think they are happy now with you, even though they ain't leaving the person they are with" or "so you think if they leave they will be happy with you?"

9. Excuses (i.e. I did it because) - They will have so many excuses for everything they do because of #2,5, 6, 8 and soon you'll see 10. it's their only way to sleep at night, they think they have justified all the bitch shit they do.

10. Entitled (i.e. I deserve it all ) - Sometime in their life no one told them No, instead it was "oh you're so pretty, of course" or "such a strong boy, here you are". Not that there is anything wrong with giving confidence to young children but some of them turn it into being more than spoiled, they feel entitled and become bitches.

If you notice these qualities in yourself take a step back, no excuses and think of how you look and sound to your friends when you act like this. NOW STOP!!! We all have bitch moments. Some of us realize the ways and choose to stop. Others notice the ways and figure it is their normal life and they only want to live that way, those are the Bitches to stay away from.

Did I miss any?